The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

[bigpern23]

"Fastball" *holds out hand* "' 'bout cock high."

I've run into repeated use of the word "cockshot" to describe a pitch down the middle approximately at groin height. Heard it from at least four different coaches.

So while the quote is usually something like, "Hey, you keep throwing cockshots, they're going to end up over the fence," they end up looking like this if they get into a story: "Hey, you keep throwing [pitches down the middle], they're going to end up over the fence."

I also have a coach who, instead of saying "umm" or "uh," he says "fucking." For instance, "I don't know, we just ... fucking ... couldn't get a hit today. It's ... fucking uh ... frustrating to ... fucking ... not be able to hit the ball."

[Keystone]

Got this un-PC gem from a high school baseball coach some years ago.

An outfielder drops a fly ball and two runs score. As the kid trots to the bench at the end of the inning, the coach says:

"Son, you couldn't catch AIDS in a New Orleans whorehouse."

[shockey]

i'm covering the nba playoffs in 1983. someone asks moses malone for his take on how the sixers will fare after a record-setting regular season. moses gives one of the most famous quotes in nba/sports history:

"fo', fo' and fo'."

meaning the sixers will sweep all three rounds en route to the title. (they win the title in 13 games, not 12).

every paper in the country uses this quote, as is. i write it in my story for the n.y. daily news. the idiot sports ed at the time decides it needs to be cleaned up. i pick up the paper the next day and read:

"four, four and four."

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! 

[ServeItUp]

i'm covering the nba playoffs in 1983. someone asks moses malone for his take on how the sixers will fare after a record-setting regular season. moses gives one of the most famous quotes in nba/sports history:

"fo', fo' and fo'."

meaning the sixers will sweep all three rounds en route to the title. (they win the title in 13 games, not 12).

every paper in the country uses this quote, as is. i write it in my story for the n.y. daily news. the idiot sports ed at the time decides it needs to be cleaned up. i pick up the paper the next day and read:

"four, four and four."

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! 

Charlie Pierce, if he's lurking, can verify this one from a previous incarnation of this thread, since he's the one who shared it. I think the Sixers were finishing off the Celtics and the fans started chanting "Beat L.A.!" Some asked Moses (I think) what he thought of that and he said, "When I heard that my dick got stiff." Only the Boston Phoenix could use it.

I'll correct this for year, situation, player and so forth.

[Knighthawk]

After a Pistons loss:

Bison Dele: I don't know why y'all want to talk to me. No one interviewed the losing gladiators in Rome.
*pause*
Reporter: That's because they were dead, Bison.
BD: My point exactly.

My goal in life is to find a religion that provides me enough enlightenment to understand what Bison's point might have been.

Like all of the great Bison Dele stories, it's fun to tell, but didn't do us a lot of good on deadline.

[pgstoetzer]

Guys:

I signed up just so I could post on this thread. This one was told to me by a writer from a different paper:

He's interviewing a somewhat wacky boys lacrosse coach about a surprising underclassmen who was dominating early on.
The coach is fawning all over this kid, so reporter asks coach what it's like watching him play the game:

"Every time that kid scores a goal, I just want to pull my di*k out and c*m all over the field!"

Has to be one of the best ever.

[WillieButch]

Division I-AA football coach on an upcoming game between two other conference schools and who he thinks will win.

"That's like choosing between Iran and Iraq."

[Jones]

Ron Washington, then coaching for the Oakland A's, on the art of the bunt:

"You gotta get that bitch down, and then you gotta run like a motherfucker."

I asked him if he could expand on that, and he talked for forty-five minutes straight.

[zeke12]

And people say amphetamines weren't good for baseball...

[Cousin Jeffrey]

A few years back, another reporter and I asked a losing pitcher of a playoff game about a tough drop by his right fielder that would've ended the game in his favor. His take: "I hope that kid kills himself tonight."
Silence.
"Seriously, if I read the paper tomorrow morning and I find out he's dead, I won't care."

[RedRaidersRock]

ummm, KnightHawk, am i missing something or what? Bison Dele's quote makes sense to me from a guy on a losing team.........

My contribution:

D-II football coach, after a stunning loss.

"I don't know what the fuck to do except go home and fuck my wife or shit in my hat. And I'd rather go shit in my hat right now."

Same guy, same game:

"My fucking quarterback could air it out a little fucking more if he wasn't banging his girlfriend more than i wish he would."


we couldn't get that shit in the paper, but we sure did love that coach.............

[Bud_Bundy]

Hard-ass female volleyball coach on her girls team that fell apart at the end of a match and lost:

"They gotta go balls to the wall and they couldn't."

[ballscribe]

Major-league lefty reliever Steve Kline, who shit the bed on a day it was probably 120 degrees on the field. Sweating profusely, couldn't get a grip on the ball:

"It was so hot, it was like two mice fuck-wording in a wool sock."


Still makes me laugh.

[PeteyPirate]

From a friend who interviewed a football coach preparing to face a school exclusively for deaf kids:

"I've got to be honest, we're going into this game blind."

[blackmuddyriver]

PCL playoff game. Rick Lancelotti has two doubles, a homer, something like 5 or 6 RBI. Opposing manager Ed Nottle is asked about him:
"What do you want me to say about Lancelotti? He just ripped our fucking tits off."
Sorta fell apart after you cleaned it up

[Just_An_SID]

A friend sent me this one awhile back:

“When it is your time of the month, swing a lighter bat,” Ralph Raymond, Coach, New England Riptides and former USA Olympic Coach.

[Bamadog]

My co-worker in Florida got this one from a football coach who was in charge of the area's worst football team. At one point, they had 17 folks left out of an original 26 on the roster.

"I don't know if this is hell, but I can sure see it from here."

[Batman]

I once covered a HS football game where the winning team scored two touchdowns on trick plays and escaped with a one-point win when the other team missed a field goal in the last few seconds. The winning coach said, "We were luckier than a man with two dicks."

Another game, different coach, his team just lost and he's talking about the game. All of a sudden he's looking over at the team bus, which just pulled up in an area it shouldn't have been in, and he just goes, "Well, we didn't play well tonight. We made a lot of ... awww, what the fuck is that stupid bus driver doing there!?

[BarbersGmen]

The one I have isn't nearly as funny as the ones before, but just so mean. A local hs softball coach after I asked him about his best player's power hitting. Keep in mind she happens to be about 50 pounds overweight, but just the sweetest and hardest working girl on the team.

"She's got a ton of doubles, but if she wasn't so fat she'd have a helluva lot more home runs."

I'm tempted to start another thread with this one, because it's interesting to me.

If it had been a baseball coach talking about one of his guys, would you have run it?
If you are willing to write about the conditioning of a male athlete, shouldn't you also write about the conditioning of a female athlete? Hey, sometimes equality means putting up with the same shit as the guys, too.

Maybe, but I'd never mention in a story that Joe Secondbase didn't too a great job or could have scored more because he was grossly overweight. This girl was a terrific softball player who just happened to be teetering near 300 pounds. She could do an amazing split when needed at first base too.

[joe king]

The one I have isn't nearly as funny as the ones before, but just so mean. A local hs softball coach after I asked him about his best player's power hitting. Keep in mind she happens to be about 50 pounds overweight, but just the sweetest and hardest working girl on the team.

"She's got a ton of doubles, but if she wasn't so fat she'd have a helluva lot more home runs."

I'm tempted to start another thread with this one, because it's interesting to me.

If it had been a baseball coach talking about one of his guys, would you have run it?
If you are willing to write about the conditioning of a male athlete, shouldn't you also write about the conditioning of a female athlete? Hey, sometimes equality means putting up with the same shit as the guys, too.

Maybe, but I'd never mention in a story that Joe Secondbase didn't too a great job or could have scored more because he was grossly overweight. This girl was a terrific softball player who just happened to be teetering near 300 pounds. She could do an amazing split when needed at first base too.

That visual just made me gag.

[BarbersGmen]

This one just happened this week.

Local legion coach is a buddy of mine from way back. He's got two catchers, one who's pretty on-again, off-again about showing up.

They have six games scheduled for last week in the ridiculous heat, and I wanted to put a note in about the one kid catching all six games.

So I ask the coach where Johnny Joint has been all week.

"He and a couple other kids took a camping trip out west somewhere to smoke dope and fuck some freshman girls," he said.

"Uhh, coach, how would you like me to word that in the paper?" I said.

"Church camp," he said.

This one cracked me up, with tears, for about 11 minutes.

[e4]

Hard-ass female volleyball coach on her girls team that fell apart at the end of a match and lost:

"They gotta go balls to the wall and they couldn't."

you could have used that.... there's nothing sexual about "balls"... it's a phrase from navy pilots pushing their fighter jets to full throttle, with the ball of the throttle stick being pushed all the way to the front and hitting the wall of the plane's console.... thus balls to the wall

[zeke12]

Yeah, Barbers, it was the end of that interview. He deadpanned it, too, on the field during live action. (We were chatting as I shot from the dugout entrance.)

Another one, asking a college hockey player how his team might play differently heading into a weekend series against a national power with their third-string goalie in net.

"He's a fucking goalie. They're all fucking weird. We'll just play, and he'll stand back there and yell some shit. No one really pays attention."

I'd tried using "He's a ... goalie. They're all... weird. We'll just play."

But it got cut.

[Hammer Pants]

No. 1

Me: "Where's John Doe? He didn't practice today."
Coach I cover: "He's got an ass problem."
Me: "What? Like hemorrhoids?"
Coach: "No. I kicked his ass, and he didn't like it, so he's not here today."

No. 2

Anonymous SEC coach: "Yeah, I recruited (Jared) Lorenzen. As a center."

[murphy3jdc]

Interviewing a couple of Japanese kids who were playing high school baseball in South Carolina ...

Asst. coach: "They don't speak much English, so I'll be your translator."
Me: "OK. (turning to the kids) How long have you guys been in America?"
Asst. coach: "How long .... America?"


Overheard at a practice before Chesterfield HS plays Cheraw HS. Cheraw has never lost to Chesterfield in over 30 years.
Coach to players: "Boys, you can call me a sonofabitch, and you can call me a bastard, but I'd rather suck a 10-foot dick than be called a loser to Chesterfield!"