What I think after reading new job postings these days

Wanted: Sports guru


Date Posted: Now

Start Date: ASAP

Specialty: Sports/Outdoors/Recreation/Coffee Bringer/Bathroom Cleaner

Status: Full-time

Salary: Competitive


The News Town Times seeks a sports fanatic who is also a wizard with words. Bring your magic to our newsroom for a fulfilling career that many don’t consider a job, but a passion.

If you love writing a gamer on deadline late Friday night and getting up at the crack of dawn the next morning to cover the local 10K race, then this is the place for you. If you can turn a mundane press release into a Pulitzer-worthy enterprise story, then we want you more than SMU boosters wanted Eric Dickerson — sans the cars, women and suitcase full of cash.

You have a nose for human-interest stories but the chops to chase down an assistant coach who may or may not have had a seedy relationship with a student.

We are a community-first newspaper with a digital presence on the backburner, but in case we need to change on the fly — which we often do with no explanation — then you need to have a digital-first mindset.

You are an eagle-eye photographer with video skills as impeccable as your writing.

Here you will have the opportunity to write 10 stories a week, produce your own videos, work on the side to cover the NAIA team (or drive three hours to cover the local pro team) and you will still have time to visit the best beaches in the world only two hours away. But you’d still be on call for any breaking news — like when the Little League all-star team is announced.

Salary starts at $18,000 for qualified candidates, and the absolute perfect candidate can start at $24,000. If it’s not enough to rent a local rundown apartment in a shady neighborhood, then you can live rent-free in the studio above the printing plant. But then again, this an opportunity for those who eat, drink, live, breathe and bleed sports.

We would prefer to hire someone who has 10 years of experience in covering sports. Bachelor’s degree is required but a Master’s is preferred. Our last reporter made a career change and is now sweeping and mopping the floors at the local Subway restaurant until his orders come in to ship off to Basic Training.

We do not discriminate in our hiring process. We offer competitive benefits, like half of your medical insurance and three paid days off, once you’ve been here for 180 days without missing one hour of work and beating deadline on every story.

This exciting opportunity won’t be vacant long so apply now as we need this position filled last week and my boss is on my ass to hire any warm body as soon as possible.

 

Salary: Competitive, as in it will force your need to eat to compete with your car's need for gas.

Benefits: We have a box of band-aids from 1985. One per employee per year.

 

Can anyone name a market where one sports talk station doesn't have a caller named "The Sports Guru?"

 

Proficiency in Adobe InDesign, Photoshop, Quark, PageMaker and Illustrator required for your four desk stints a week between writing/videography/tweeting duties.

(Note: PageMaker auto corrected to PaceMaker. But you won't need that for several months.)

 

Yea, I couldn't remember everything. Like "great for building clips/portfolio," etc

 

Oh, your take on it was epic, sir.

 

Only four? What was that address again?

 

"Where the hell have you been? We've been trying to get ahold of you all day!"

"Well, I was at the ocean."

"You were enjoying beaches and waves? Are you fucking nuts? They announced the Bumfuck Little League All-Stars today! We need a story, photos of each of the kids, and do some videos of them talking about how it's 'great' to make the team! If you don't do all that, how the hell are college coaches ever going to discover them and give them scholarships? Put away your suntan lotion and get to work!"

 

Why the ocean when Lake Tahoe is only 15 minutes away?